10 Jun “Do You Want Me to Listen or Help You Solve It?” The Power of Emotion Coaching
As parents, our natural instinct is to jump into problem-solving mode when our child comes to us upset. We hear about a friendship issue, a difficult school day, or a disappointment, and immediately start offering solutions.
“Why don’t you just play with someone else?”
“You should tell the teacher.”
“Next time, do this instead.”
While these responses come from a place of love and wanting to help, they can sometimes miss what our child needs most in that moment: to feel heard.
A simple shift in language can make a significant difference:
“Do you want me to listen, or would you like help solving the problem?”
This question is at the heart of emotion coaching. It acknowledges that emotions and problem-solving are two separate skills, and that children often need support with the first before they are ready for the second.
When children come to us with a problem, they are not always looking for an answer. Sometimes they are looking for connection. They want someone to sit with them in their disappointment, frustration, embarrassment, or sadness and communicate, “I see you. I hear you. Your feelings matter.”
When we immediately move into fixing mode, children can sometimes feel dismissed, even when our intentions are positive. They may think, “My feelings are too much,” or “I need to stop feeling upset and find a solution quickly.”
Emotion coaching takes a different approach. It encourages us to first acknowledge and validate the emotion before moving into problem-solving. For example:
“That sounds really disappointing.”
“I can see why that made you feel upset.”
“That must have been hard.”
Once a child feels understood, their nervous system is often calmer and they are more able to think clearly. This is when problem-solving becomes meaningful and effective.
Asking whether they want you to listen or help solve the problem also builds important life skills. Children learn that they have a voice in the conversation, that their emotional experiences are important, and that they can identify what kind of support they need.
The next time your child comes to you with a problem, try pausing before offering advice. Take a moment to connect first and ask:
“Would you like me to just listen, or would you like help solving it?”
You may be surprised by the answer. More importantly, you will be showing your child that their emotions are not problems to be fixed, but experiences to be understood. And that understanding is often where resilience begins.