12 Dec Why Regulation Matters for Building Friendships: A Parent-Friendly Guide from a Paediatric OT
As a paediatric occupational therapist, I often meet children who desperately want to make friends but struggle to connect in the way they hope. Parents sometimes tell me, “They have the social skills, we’ve practised them, but something still gets in the way.” Often, that “something” is regulation.
Regulation simply means a child’s ability to manage their emotions, energy levels, and behaviours throughout the day. When children feel calm, safe, and “in control” of their bodies, they can listen, take turns, share, and join in play more easily. When they feel overwhelmed, tired, overstimulated, or unsure, those social skills become much harder to access—no matter how much they’ve been taught.
Think of regulation as the foundation for friendship. Children need a regulated body and brain before they can notice what a friend is feeling, solve problems together, or cope with tricky social moments. A child who feels overloaded might react impulsively, walk away, or become upset. A child who feels low in energy might seem disinterested or withdrawn, even though they want to join in. Supporting regulation helps children show the very best version of themselves.
The good news is that regulation can be developed and strengthened with practice. Here are three simple strategies families can start using right away:
1. Build a Sensory-Friendly Routine
Many children benefit from regular “sensory breaks” throughout the day. This might include movement (jumping, swinging, pushing and pulling), calming input (deep pressure hugs, a weighted lap pad), or quiet time in a cosy space. These breaks help keep the nervous system balanced, reducing overwhelm before it starts.
2. Use Co-Regulation
Children learn to regulate by borrowing calm from the adults around them. When your child is struggling, softening your voice, slowing your movements, and staying close can help them settle. Phrases like “I’m here; let’s breathe together” show safety and support. Over time, this builds their own internal skills.
3. Teach Body Signals
Help your child notice what “too fast,” “too slow,” and “just right” feel like. You might say, “Your body seems really speedy—should we do some wall pushes?” or “You look slow and tired, would a quick stretch help?” Understanding their body cues empowers kids to choose helpful strategies on their own.
When children feel regulated, they can show curiosity, kindness, and flexibility, the ingredients of strong, lasting friendships. Supporting regulation isn’t just about reducing big feelings; it’s about giving children the tools they need to connect, play, and thrive.
Click here to check out what groups we are running to help build regulation, social skills and friendships.